One of my constant frustrations in terms of grief education is the perpetuation of Kübler-Ross’s ‘stages of grief‘ model in popular culture, particularly when used in bereavement (or in an off-hand/ joke way such as “My barista has left my cafe and I’m in my anger stage…”).  The model was originally designed to describe the emotional shock people might experience following diagnosis of a terminal illness. Significantly, it was never intended to be linear – there is no ‘pattern’ or way of predicting how a person’s grief will unfold. Using the model out of its intended context – such as for bereavement – can create unrealistic expectations (which in turn compounds a person’s experience). Sorry for the long lecture but it is important in introducing David Kessler’s text, Finding Meaning – The Sixth Stage of Grief.

Kessler co-authored with Kübler-Ross, and states very clearly from the outset of Finding Meaning all the stuff I have had my little rant about above. In this book, Kessler argues that finding meaning beyond the initial ‘stages’ of grief is essential in transforming loss into a more peaceful and hopeful experience.

Through meaning, we can find more than pain. When a loved one dies, or when we experience any kind of serious loss – the end of a marriage, … the destruction of our home in a natural disaster – we want more than the hard fact of the loss. We want to find meaning.

Kessler begins by acknowledging that loss needs to be acknowledged.

Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.

He goes on to explore the challenges in particular losses (for example suicide, complicated relationships, addiction, and miscarriage) and how a person might find ‘meaning’ after a loss (this includes legacy, belief in an afterlife, and understanding how circumstances have changed forever).

It is important to note that this book was informed by Kessler’s own (relatively recent) devastating loss – the death of his son in 2016, from an accidental drug overdose. Kessler states that despite his decades of work supporting people in grief, his own experience left him completely untethered, and initially reevaluating all that he knew –

Like so many others who grieve, something in me felt that my grief was too great to be healed.

And in seeking support from a counsellor during his own grieving, Kessler says –

“People want to know how the grief expert is dealing with the loss of his own son. I tell them, ‘The grief expert didn’t lose his son, the father did.'”

When I read a grief text or grief self-help book, I find myself either skimming (because it doesn’t offer me anything knew) or underlining every second paragraph. Finding Meaning was the latter – so much valuable information, written with such care and kindness. The case studies had me weeping (the one about a heart donation left me in tatters), and Kessler reflecting on his personal experience was deeply affecting. Some of my favourite takeaway messages (not necessarily ‘new’ but Kessler’s voice is clear) –

You don’t have to experience grief, but you can only avoid it by avoiding love. Love and grief are inextricably intertwined.

The grieving mind finds no hope after loss. But when you’re ready to hope again, you will be able to find it.

Healing doesn’t mean the loss didn’t happen. It means that it no longer controls us.

I always encourage people to do kind things with no expectations. Expectations are resentments under construction.

Finding Meaning will have a permanent spot on my shelf.

4.5/5