When it comes to break-ups, I’m of the ‘only-break-is-a-clean-break’ variety. I’ve never got back with someone I’ve broken up with, and nor do I attempt to ‘stay friends’. And perhaps because these break-ups were all a very, very long time ago, I have zero curiosity about ‘where are they now?’.

I would not have been a good candidate as the main character of Sloane Crosley’s latest work of fiction, Cult Classic, a novel that centres on Lola, a New Yorker who runs into a former boyfriend. And then another. And . . . another. Lola can’t dismiss these meetings as coincidence, and begins to reflect on the qualities of her current relationship in comparison with those of her past.

Some of us get smaller denominations from the romance ATM than others. In addition to the flings, I’d had about fifteen five-month relationships, not to mention the six and nine month relationships, not to mention the ones that come to life in the night like haunted toaster ovens: You up?

Meanwhile, her best friend, Vadis, and her former boss, Clive, a magazine editor turned mystical guru, have started what Lola describes as a ‘…new age pyramid scheme’, the details of which remain unclear, short of the fact that they are occupying a prime piece of historic Manhattan real estate.

As the meetings with exes mount up, Lola realises that Vadis and Clive have a vested interest.

Romance may be the world’s oldest cult. It hooks you when you’re vulnerable, holds your deepest fears as collateral, renames you something like ‘baby’, brainwashes you, then makes you think that your soul will wither and die if you let go of a person who loved you.

Although it doesn’t initially present as such, Cult Classic is speculative fiction. Ordinarily, I run a mile from this genre, but I gave Crosley the benefit of the doubt because she is one of the few authors that genuinely makes me laugh-out-loud. She also falls into the small group of authors who write both fiction and nonfiction. Until the release of Cult Classic, I thought her style of humour worked better in her nonfiction writing (her thoughts on the office bathroom, dinner parties that go awry and her relationship with her sister are some examples). But I’ve changed my mind. Cult Classic is sharp, is loaded with utterly brilliant dialogue and quietly skewers the wellness industry.

Eventually, Willis moved back to Iowa, where he married a health coach. One shudders to imagine the collection of statement mugs in that house.

It would’ve been more efficient to set up alerts for these men, but I never did it for the same reason I never bought a carton of cigarettes – too much of a commitment to bad habits.

“It’s like Field of Dreams except instead of baseball, it’s your vagina.”

There’s also truth in her words and although she generally writes about things other than dating, relationships and heartbreak, it is clear that she is in personally familiar territory.

You know, when you’re younger, you worry that maybe no one will ever love you and that fear makes you do some dumb shit. What you don’t know is that fear has nothing on the fear of not being capable of loving someone in return.

Cult Classic is pure fun. Don’t take it too seriously. Dare to imagine yourself in Lola’s shoes (I did – horrifying). Feel excited about the movie version (because the ‘cult headquarters’ will be amazing on screen).

4/5

At his request, I detailed the characteristics of all the neighborhoods in Manhattan and Brooklyn and attempted to define a burrata as ‘a turducken but cheese’.